Barney Appears Before The Queen

Barney Surfaces in Linden, MI for an Appearance with the Queen

Hey! It’s Barney here. Boy, that Caira Sue the Batdog really did a number on me. I couldn’t wait to get out of California. Levitating, being torn limb from limb, and being passed over for a silly tennis ball was NOT FUN. But I was worried. When Caira Sue’s mom was packing me up in the box, I heard Caira Sue say, “Mom, please send that silly purple dinosaur far, far, away. Someplace cold and yucky, awful, to a state where no one would EVER want to live.” I knew that Caira Sue’s mom was really smart, because she said she knew just the place. But of course she did not tell me, I just heard her write the address on the box when I was inside.

I went on a very long ride on an airplane across the country and landed in Flint, MI. I couldn’t think of any Tripawds that lived in Flint, so wondered where I might end up. But I could tell this place was cold, wet, dreary. I rode around in a mail truck all day and was deposited in the garage of some house in the country in a small town called Linden, where I sat all day until the owners came home. I heard the knife start to cut the box and started to cringe. Oh gosh, oh gee, this place was going to be AWFUL, I just knew it.

The box opened and there was a friendly lady’s face smiling at me. Whew! But then suddenly these two MONSTERS appeared, these two huge slobbering BEASTS. I had never seen dogs so HUGE. One had four legs and was sizing me up like she was ready to eat me right then and there. The other, the 3-legged awful, hairy beast with a head the size of Texas buried her face in my chest, trying to drown me in slobber and lick me to death. Ohhhhhh noooooo! I knew this just had to be the end. She must be just trying to soften me up to swallow me whole.

“Barney,” the lady said, “Meet my Great Danes Emmy and Nova. Nova is a Tripawd, but she is blind, so she is going to want to lick and sniff you to get to know you.” Oh man. You should have seen it. These monstrous beasts had the biggest, most awful-looking fangs ever. Their heads were enormous. My whole body could fit in their mouths. I was sure they were going to eat me right then and there.

“Don’t worry, Barney,” said the man. “We call these girls the “House Cats”. They may look scary to you, but you will find them to be the most loving, gentle beasts you will ever meet.” REEEALLLLYYY! HA! Well, poo poo on you, Caira Sue! You thought you were sending me to a horrible place, and your Mom was only half right. True, Michigan in general pretty much sucks. Yet hidden there is this quiet country town, nestled in a peaceful pine forest, a little ray of sunshine shines on a big ‘ol hunk of burning Barney love named NOVA. Nah, nah, nah, nah, NAH, nah!!

Nova snatched me up right away and went hopping off. “Oh Barney, I love you, I love you, I love you!” she said, “I can’t wait for you to meet all my stuffy friends, my jackelope, my lion, bear, bunny rabbit, moose, and more. I’m gonna kiss you, and hug you, and squeeze you, and love you, share my bones with you, we’re gonna take naps together, and we’ll be the bestest of friends forever and ever!”

This was MY kind of Tripawd!

Somebody told me once that Nova was known as the Queen… Queen Nova of Tripawds. We’ll they weren’t kidding. This Tripawd lives high on the hog and spends much of her day sitting on her throne (more like reclining on it), surrounded by her subjects (all the stuffed animals listed above), served her food in raised silver bowls, and has her own lady-in-waiting who caters to her every need. Nova just talks or howls when she needs something, and the lady comes running in to give her special eyedrops and medicines all the time, and these special wonder pills with cancer-killing mushrooms in them. That Nova’s got this lady wrapped around her finger!

A grumpy teenager saw me, and started to rib Nova. “You are the QUEEN, Nova! You must do what Queens do, which is say “Off with his head!” Nova would have nothing of it, though. I think she was already in love with me! “Oh fine, Nova, get involved with a commoner then. Next thing you know you’ll be abdicating your throne for the dinosaur you love,” he snickered as he stalked off. Nova told me to not mind him. Her brother had a bad experience with me when his Mom would make him watch my videos all the time when he was little.

Nova wanted to take me EVERYWHERE, even outside to go potty. Apparently, her usual custom is to drop her stuffy at the door before going outside, but she insisted on carrying me in her mouth outside while she did her business. Ooooooookay! Then she took me to her private quarters (aka her brother’s bunk bed) and we spent some private time together, away from all the other stuffies. Can you imagine? We just MET and already I am in the Queen’s bed. I could tell the other stuffies were sooooo jealous. I just KNEW that this was the type of woman who loved to hear “I love you” on a first date!

The only trouble now is that I am not sure Nova is ever going let me leave. She told me she wants to keep me as a permanent member of her court, which we both know is not what’s meant to be. I heard her lady-in-waiting telling her that soon I will need to move on to other Tripawds. I am a travelin’ man, you know. Nova understands although I can tell her heart is broken. We really had something going. But duty calls, to both of us. Her duty is to be Queen, and mine is to meet, love, and be abused by as many Tripawds as I can.

Nova and I had one last sweet night together that we both will treasure forever. And she told me that she knew just the perfect place to send me next. So I will be hitting the road very, very soon.

Thanks for the wonderful memories, sweet Queen Nova! All Hail Queen Nova! Dog Save the Queen!

Author: killbarney

Barney was always a favorite of Jerry … and his greatest nemesis. View all posts by killbarney